Monster Mash
by Volpone
Summary: In this Halloween Special, Sakura visits the Land of Spooky on an S class mission. Pure, uncut crack. The good stuff. Halloween!Akatsuki, with a special guest appearance by everyone's favorite copy nin. Sakura x Multi
1. Welcome to Quiet Mound

Hey all! Don't worry, an update to Narcotic is coming, I promise. I just had this crazy idea this morning to do a Halloween special involving Sakura and the Akatsuki. This is pure, uncut crack!fic, so don't expect anything particularly deep or meaningful here. This is meant to be extremely silly and self-aware. I'm taking out all the stops. I threw a bunch of Halloween tropes, magical girl silliness, Sakura, and the Akatsuki into a cauldron, _boil boil, toil and trouble_, and this is what came out. I hope you guys enjoy!

* * *

_Monster Mash_

Sakura x Harem

A chill wind swept a cloud of dead leaves past the iron gates that barred the entrance into the desolate town of Quiet Mound. A petite kunoichi approached from the dark, wooded path that lead up to the silent town, the moonlight causing her pink hair to glow with a silvery sheen.

Sakura stopped before the gates, eying them warily as she dropped her pack to the ground.

"Charming," she muttered, looking past the rusted iron to the decrepit buildings beyond. The medic-nin stretched, rolling her sore shoulders and cracking her stiff neck. The journey to the Land of Spooky had taken all day, and the road had been rough and rocky. It had been clear and sunny during her debriefing this morning in Tsunade's office, but the land of Spooky seemed be stuck in some sort of perpetual midnight, the moon low and full overhead. A wolf howled in the distance and Sakura suppressed a shiver, reaching into her bag and pulling out her water bottle. She took several slow sips, her green eyes drifting once again toward the rusted, wrought iron gates. This was her first time in the Land of Spooky – it was the first time she'd even heard of such place, recalling her shishou's uncharacteristic cackling that morning as she had assigned her student the S-class mission. Her goal, as Sakura understood it, was to track down the eleven elite shinobi of Quiet Mound, each of whom had part of a seal. Once she had the complete seal, her mission would be over and she could return to Leaf. Sakura had the nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right, but she pushed it to the back of her mind and tucked her water bottle back into her bag, pulling out a summoning scroll in its' place. Tsunade had told her that the scroll contained a spirit who guide her on her mission, and that Sakura was to use it once she reached the gates of Quiet Mound. Giving one last surreptitious look around, Sakura held her hand up to mouth and bit down.

She unrolled the scroll quickly, pressing her bloody thumb to the seal and watching curiously as a silver glow engulfed the paper, the scroll disappearing. The pink-haired girl watched as, all at once, the mist came together into a concentrated mass. It glowed brightly for a moment, and there was a loud popping noise before a misty figure appeared. Sakura squinted as the figure slowly solidified into a familiar form. A masked man slouched in front of her, his hair disheveled. One hand was shoved deeply in his pants' pocket, the other one raised in greeting.

"Yo," The specter drawled lazily.

Sakura stared at the shimmering figure. "Kakashi?" She finally asked, incredulous. The silvery apparition blinked slowly, tilting his head to the side.

"Uh... No." He replied, his uncovered eye glancing shiftily to the side. Sakura's own eyes narrowed.

"Really."

The figure shoved his other hand in his pocket and rocked back on his heals. "Nope. I'm... Uh... The silver specter."

The pink-haired girl crossed her arms over her chest, her eyebrows raising as she stared, unbelieving at the summoned spirit.

"The silver specter," she repeated slowly, her eyes fixed on the glowing figure.

"Yeah. Oh! It's actually the _sexy_ silver specter. I forgot to mention that part." He smirked, his uncovered eye twinkling mischievously. Sakura's eyebrow twitched.

"Uh-huh. You know what, I'm just going to call you Kakashi."

"You could call me sexy. You know, for short." He said hopefully.

"... No."

Kakashi – er – the sexy silver specter gave a one-shouldered shrug.

"Wait," she continued, "Aren't you busy fighting the shinobi war?" She blinked. "Aren't _I _supposed to be fighting in the shinobi war?"

Kakashi grinned, one hand going up to nervously scratch the back of his head. "Yeah, we're not actually supposed to know about that. This isn't canon, okay?" He pulled something from his pocket and tossed it to her, the small item glowing and then solidifying mid-air before Sakura deftly caught it.

"What is this?" The pink-haired medic held it up, the silvery moonlight illuminating what looked like a small, plastic jack-o-lantern. It fit in the palm of her hand, and seemed to gaze back at Sakura with a fixed, single-toothed smile. The young woman blinked in confusion. "No, seriously – what _is _this?"

"It's your transformation totem," Kakashi said, slouching forward to squint at the plastic pumpkin in the girl's hand.

"My transformation totem," Sakura repeated slowly, her green eyes narrowing as she glanced back up at her sensei. "What the hell is that?"

The ghostly copy-nin gestured vaguely with his right hand. "You know... You use it to... transform... It'll make you more powerful and help you on your mission."

Sakura looked at the totem with an appraising eye. "Seriously?" She liked the idea of a power boost, especially in this strange land which was bound to be full of especially strong ninja. "How do I use it?"

Kakashi dug into his pocket again. "Hold on, I have the instruction manual here somewhere..." After a moment, he pulled out a small booklet. He glanced at it, his eyes scanning the pages intently while Sakura waited.

Several minutes later, the pink-haired nin was growing impatient. "Well?" She asked testily.

"Huh?" Kakashi didn't look up from the book; instead he carefully turned the page and continued to read. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"What does it say? About how to use this... transformation... thingie..." She held up the small plastic pumpkin, frowning. The silvery apparition of the copy-nin glanced up at the totem.

"Oh, this is Icha Icha Paradise, spooky edition. I left the manual at home."

Sakura felt the vein in forehead begin to throb. "What?!" She ground out between clenched teeth. Kakashi grinned nervously.

"Oops... Heh..."

"Oops?!" Sakura found herself repeating again, her eye twitching. Her fist began to glow with mint green chakra. She didn't know if she'd actually be able to land a punch on her ghostly sensei, but she was going to find out. Kakashi held up his hands defensively, a cold sweat breaking out on his brow.

"Wait, now, hold on! I read the instructions before I left!"

Sakura clenched her fist tighter, her green eyes shining eerily in the moonlight. The copy-nin laughed nervously, shoving the book back into his pocket. "You just have to say the catch-phrase that triggers the transformation!"

Sakura glared at her former sensei, some of her anger abating. "Okay then," she said cooly, "what's the phrase?"

Kakashi wracked his memory, his visible eye scrunching up as he tapped his covered chin. "Umm, let me think... "Moon Prism Power?" He smiled. "Try that. Oh, and you have to hold the totem up."

The young woman blinked and lifted the totem to eye level.

"Higher," the silver specter instructed. "Like, over your head. Yeah."

The medic nin cleared her throat, suddenly feeling a little self conscious. "Moon... Prism... Po-"

"Oops, wait!" Kakashi interrupted with a sheepish smile. "That's not it."

"Are you _kidding_ me?!" Sakura snapped, beginning to lower her hand.

"No, don't move! I remembered the right phrase. It's 'Pink Ninja Power Go'."

Sakura glared suspiciously at the apparition "Seriously?" She asked. "That sounds... it sounds really stupid."

Kakashi shrugged. "I didn't come up with it." Sighing, Sakura held the totem aloft. The moon shown brighter and the pink-haired girl was illuminated in silvery, ethereal light.

"Pink... Ninja... Power... Go!"

Suddenly a purple mist enveloped the kunoichi, and Kakashi watched curiously as his former student was sucked up into what appeared to be a small storm of mist, glitter, and flashing lights. From the middle of the maelstrom he could hear Sakura's voice.

"Ahh! What the hell?! Oh my god, where did my clothes go?! What the – I'm totally naked! Kakashi, this _can't_ be right!"

"Don't worry, that's supposed to happen!" The copy nin called out cheerfully.

"I swear to god, if this was just a way for you to see me naked I will – Oh. It's okay! I have clothes again... I think..."

The light show suddenly stopped and the mist dissipated, the kunoichi appearing in a cloud of glitter. The silver specter gazed speechlessly at his former student, his good eye nearly popping out of his head. He quickly reached up to push his hitae-ate back, using both eyes to take in the sight of the gorgeous woman.

Sakura teetered in six inch white heels, her bare arms outstretched to help her maintain her balance. She was clad in a very, _very_ short, and very_, very_ tight white nurse's dress. The neckline plunged low, and her breasts nearly spilled out over the top. The hem of the dress just barely covered her ass, and her legs were clad in white silk thigh-high stockings. Her hair had been swept up into an elegant bun, a nurse hat positioned jauntily on top of her head, just behind where her bangs had been pulled back into a pompadour style. Her eyes were lined in dark, smokey kohl, and her lips had been painted in the silkiest, most come-hither shad of "fuck me red" that Kakashi had ever seen. He gulped and took an involuntary step forward.

It took Sakura a minute to regain her balance as she looked down at herself. She ran her hands along her outfit, her lips soundlessly mouthing her disbelief. She glanced helplessly up at the copy-nin, who had a silver trickle of blood gushing from his nose. Sakura blushed hotly, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Kakashi," Sakura wailed, "what did you _do_?!"

Her former sensei waved his hands helplessly in front of him, confusion furrowing his brow. "I don't know! That's the transformation! I'm not responsible for... for..." His eyes zeroed in on Sakura's heaving breasts. "Um... those..." He grinned when Sakura glared at him. "I mean, _that_. The, uh, transformation... form..."

The woman continued to glare at him, her green eyes dark and accusing.

"How in the hell is _this_," She gestured to outfit, a strangled sound coming from the back of her throat, "a power up?"

Kakashi eyed her up and down again, swallowing slowly, the Icha Icha book forgotten as he gazed at his former pupil. He certainly felt powerless before her, but he wisely refrained from voicing his thoughts. He waved a hand carelessly, his gaze still on the pink-haired hellion in the sexy nurse get up.

The gates behind him groaned on their hinges, and Sakura stopped tugging the hem of her dress down, frowning as she peered past the entrance and into the dark town. Kakashi cleared his throat, floating toward Sakura.

"So... Welcome to Quiet Mound. Are you ready to start the mission?"

* * *

Sakura moved unsteadily down the sidewalk, cursing under her breath as she tried to maintain her balance in the stripper heels of her "powered-up" outfit. The ghostly form of her sensei floated beside her, one arm outstretched as if he hoped to steady her. The insubstantial nature of his form however meant that he couldn't actually touch her.

_Pity_, he thought, his salacious gaze drifting downward to her shapely rear.

"-shi... _Kakashi_!"

"Hmm?" He glanced up, taking note of his companion's sour glare. He grinned at her, holding up his Icha Icha spooky edition.

"Aren't you supposed to be guiding me? Where's the first shinobi?"

Kakashi nodded absently mindedly. "Yeah... We're getting close. Take the next right – and try not to fall over!"

The pink-haired young woman tottered dangerously, throwing out her hands to grasp at the wall of one of the abandoned buildings. She leaned forward, gritting her teeth, unaware that her dress rode up dangerously high over her ass, revealing quite a bit of creamy thigh and flashing her pristine white panties at her ghostly sensei. Kakashi instantly suffered another nosebleed, his eyes watering as he stared.

"_Dammit_," Sakura snapped, pushing herself back up. She immediately tugged her skirt back down, giving her dazed guide a baleful look. He swallowed thickly, pretending to bury his nose in the smutty book he held.

* * *

"WOOOO-oooo! WOOOOO!"

Sakura and the ghostly apparition of her sensei stood at the edge of graveyard, watching a tall, dark-haired man walk stiff-legged between grave stones, his arms outstretched. He was wrapped head to toe in bandages, only his spiky, raven colored hair and one dark eye remained uncovered. The man tipped over a bandage, stumbling and falling onto his face.

"Wooo—OOF!"

Sakura's brow furrowed as she watched the man climb to his feet.

"Is he... um..." She glanced at her companion, her voice lowered. "Is he... a little... unhinged?"

"It's likely," Kakashi replied dryly. They watched the strange man move around for a few more minutes.

"You're _sure _it's that guy?" Sakura's asked incredulously.

"Yup."

With a sigh, Sakura stepped into the graveyard. "Excuse me! Hello!" She waved, trying to catch the stranger's attention. The dark-haired man paused, then tottered toward them.

"Woooo-OOOO!" He wailed, as he got closer waving his arms above his head. "Tobi is scaaaaaary ghostie!"

Tobi paused, his arms dropping as his one uncovered eye nearly popped out of his head as he got a good look at Sakura.

"Holy Sh-" He began, his voice suddenly deep. Sakura glared, uncomfortably tugging down her dress. "Uh... I mean..." He glanced up the pink-haired beauty, "Hello, nurse-chan!" The bandaged wrapped nin said, his voice once again light and sing song.

Kakashi floated forward, staring at the man, his dark eye narrowing. "You look familiar."

Tobi rocked back and forth on his heels. "Mmm?"

The silvery apparition crossed his arms, peering at the dark-haired nin. "Have we met?"

"Tobi doesn't think so," the bandaged man replied. Kakashi continued to stare.

"Are you sure? I could have sworn -"

"We've never met."

Kakashi squinted at him. "This is really bothering me, I'm pretty sure -"

"Look," Tobi replied, his voice dropping back to a dangerous, velvety timbre. "This isn't canon, okay? If it were, I would have kicked your ass by now."

Kakashi glowered. "I doubt it," he replied cooly. The bandaged man took a menacing step closer to the copy nin, but Sakura quickly stepped in between the two, raising her hands placatingly.

"Hey, hey, break it up. Whatever issues you two have, they don't belong in crack fiction." The spiky-haired nin, glanced down at the petite woman, smiling brightly.

"Nurse-chan is right!" He reached out and gripped her waist. "Tobi likes the pretty nurse-chan!"

"Yeah, that's great, mister... uh..." Sakura paused, waiting for the odd shinobi to fill in the blank.

"Tobi! Tobi is scary ghostie!"

She tried to move out of his grasp, but he simply tightened his hold and began pulling her closer.

"You're not a ghost," Kakashi interrupted. Tobi glanced up at him, glaring.

"Yes, Tobi is. A scary ghost."

"No," Kakashi corrected. "_I'm _a ghost." He pointed to himself. "See? I'm all... glowy and see-through. You're just wrapped up in bandages. I think you're supposed to be a mummy."

"A ghost!" Tobi insisted, glowering.

"Aaaaaall right boys!" Sakura pat Tobi on the shoulder while sending a quick glare Kakashi's way. _Back off_, she mouthed. Kakashi sulked, floating back a few feet.

"_I'm _a ghost," he mumbled.

"I'm a scary ghost, aren't I nurse-chan?" Tobi asked, sniffling.

"Oh yeah. The scariest," Sakura agreed. Tobi smiled, placated.

"The scariest! I'm the scariest ghostie!" He shot a smug look Kakashi's way, pulling the pink-haired nin even closer. The silver-haired copy cat grit his teeth, pretending to read his Icha Icha spooky edition.

Sakura gently tried to extract herself as Tobi nuzzled her hair, but her stripper heels made it difficult to maneuver.

"Hey, Tobi, I have a favor to ask you. Something only a... uh... really scary ghost like yourself would know."

"Hmm? What's that?" Tobi wished his hands weren't wrapped in bandages, he imagined he'd be able to the warmth of the petite kunoichi through her flimsy outfit if only his hands were bare.

"You know part of a certain seal, right? I was hoping you could show it to me..." She managed to tug herself out of his arms, tottering backward and catching herself against a gravestone. Tobi watched her, his dark eye trailing up and down her form. He bit back a groan of approval.

"Oh... Yeah... Tobi knows what Nurse-chan needs... Wants..."

Sakura's eyes narrowed as Tobi's childish voice once again became dark and velvety. The strange man seemed to catch himself, coughing into his hand and blinking innocently at the pink-haired ninja.

"And Tobi will give it to you, but first you must defeat Tobi in... a hug fight!" He lunged at her, arms outstretched. "WOOOO! Ghostie hug!"

Sakura blinked in surprise, clumsily dodging the taller man as he lumbered toward her. Her tight outfit and high heels greatly restricted her movements, and she looked at Kakashi for help. He shrugged at her.

"Try using the totem!" He called, before going back to his smut novel. He was getting to the good part.

The pink-haired woman sighed in annoyance, and stumbled out of the way as Tobi rushed her again.

"Woooo! Gonna getcha in a ghostie hug!" Tobi called, slowly turning back toward his prey. His voice was light and teasing, but there was a dark look in his eye that had Sakura's heart leaping into her throat. She reached up, digging out the jack-o-lantern totem from where she had stored it – the only place she could – in between her breasts. Tobi stopped, watching in amazement as the beauty before him dug around in her cleavage. A red stain appeared against the fabric of his wrappings, right under his nose. Even Kakashi stopped reading, looking up to catch the show, a wistful expression on his face as Sakura pulled the totem out, red-cheeked from embarrassment. She tossed it at the stunned mummy-man, hitting him right in the forehead. There was a burst of glitter and flash of light, and then the jack-o-lantern magically bounced right back to her, nuzzling itself back down between her breasts. Sakura refused to let the men before her see her mortification. She placed one hand on her hip, glaring dangerously at Tobi and Kakashi, daring either of them to say anything.

Kakashi cleared his throat, slowly lowering his gaze back to Icha Icha spooky edition. Tobi blinked, glitter piled in his hair and on his shoulders.

"Uh... I guess nurse-chan won..."

With as much dignity as possible, Sakura watched as Tobi enthusiastically showed her the hand sign for the hidden seal. Several minutes later, Sakura was walking slowly and stiffly from the cemetery in search of the next shinobi, her lips pursed tightly. Kakashi was doing his best to hold back a guffaw of laughter, but couldn't help the choking sounds that emanated from his throat.

"Don't you dare say a word!" Sakura hissed.

"I'm not!" He insisted, floating behind her.

Behind them, Tobi laughed darkly, disappearing behind a mausoleum, muttering something about a "costume change."

* * *

That's a wrap for this chapter folks! I hope it made you laugh, because I had a blast writing it. This is unbeta'd and really rough, but I wrote it all in one go. I'll try to have this entire fic done by Halloween. Hope you guys enjoyed! If you want to see more, leave me a review! Especially if you add this to your favorites or alerts. Love you guys!


	2. The Wolfman

Aaaaand here's chapter two! I probably won't get the entire fic finished before Halloween (scratch that, I know I won't!) but hopefully interest won't fade just because this is themed!crack.

I really want to thank everyone who reviewed the first chapter! I really appreciate it. You guys are the best! As a reward, here's more crack!

* * *

_Monster Mash_

__Sakura x Harem

After the cemetery incident, a tense silence had settled between the silver apparition and the petite medic nin. Kakashi wisely kept his nose buried in his Icha Icha Paradise, letting his former student fume quietly as she tottered ahead of him in six inch heels.

The medic nin muttered angrily under her breath, one hand on the crumbling wall of a dilapidated building, the other gripping the hem of her white medic dress, forcibly keeping it from riding any further up her thighs.

Kakashi finally glanced up, his dark eye inexorably drawn to the hypnotic sway of the pink-haired woman's hips. He cleared his throat, smiling placatingly at his companion when she threw a glare his way.

"Left," he drawled, lowering his smut novel.

"What?" Sakura hissed, her knees wobbling as she tried to maintain balance in the ridiculous white heels.

"Turn left at the next corner," Kakashi consulted the pamphlet, "that's where the bingo book says our next S-class is lurking."

"Oh. Alright," Sakura sighed, pushing away from the wall and crossing the street.

"Wait," she paused, glancing at the copy nin, "I thought that was Icha Icha Paradise: Spooky Edition."

Kakashi glanced down at the book in his hands.

"It is."

Sakura's brow furrowed. "But you just said that it was a bingo book."

Kakashi nodded slowly. "Yeah. It's that, too."

The medic nin gave him an exasperated look. "Well obviously it can't be _both_!" She said, rolling her eyes as she stepped up onto the curb. Kakashi floated beside her, the corner of his uncovered eye crinkling, a sign that he was smiling behind his mask. "The book is a plot device, Sakura. It's whatever the plot needs it to be."

The pink-haired girl blinked, her green eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Wait, I... What? What are you talking about?"

"It's best not to ask questions," the ghostly ninja said sagely, "also, try not to think about it. You'll just give yourself a headache."

Sakura tilted her head curiously to the side, about to probe further when loud howling disrupted her thoughts. Startled, she jumped a bit, tottering dangerously in her heels.

"What the hell was that?!"

"Plot device," Kakashi muttered, tucking the booklet into his pocket.

"What?" Sakura asked distractedly, glancing down a dark alley.

"Nothing."

The howling started again, loud and eerie, and this time it was followed by a chill wind that tossed dead leaves around the pink-haired woman's feet. The copy-nin apparition floated closer to his former pupil, squinting as he followed her gaze down the alley. A dark, manic laugh rolled toward them, and Sakura's green eyes narrowed as she reflexively reached for the kunai she normally stored on her hip only to curse as her fingers brushed uselessly against the tight material of her nurse outfit.

"_Dammit_," She gave the specter a hostile glance, "I would feel a lot more comfortable about this mission if I had some weapons."

"You have the totem," Kakashi pointed out helpfully.

The medic nin rolled her eyes, "Ugh, don't remind me."

"Well, well. What the fuck do we have here?"

Sakura and Kakashi looked up at the sound of a maliciously deep voice. A figure appeared in the alley, slowly approaching the twosome. Purple eyes gleamed with a predator's sheen, and Sakura tried her best to crouch into a defensive stance, though the tight dress severely limited her maneuverability. Bone white teeth flashed in the alley's shadow, a Cheshire grin that made the young woman's skin crawl.

A few tense moments later, the figure stepped into the moonlit street, straitening as he smirked at the ghostly apparition and the scantily clad medic nin. He started at the sight of Sakura, his gaze trailing slowly upward from her hooker heels, over her creamy thighs, curved hips, and round bust, to her red lips. A pale eyebrow cocked upwards as the man let out a long wolf whistle.

"Hellllllooooo _nurse_!" He smirked, eying her appreciatively.

Sakura took a moment to take in his appearance as well. The man was tall and well muscled, clad only in a low slung pair of black ninja regulation sweats. His upper body was bare, except for a strange pendant he wore around his neck. One hand held a wicked looking scythe, which he rested on his shoulder. His snow-white hair was slicked back, and atop his head sat a pair of fluffy white ears. Sakura's eyes softened at the sight of them.

"Awww," She cooed, smiling when the ears swiveled toward her, "how cute!"

Hidan blinked, pointing to himself with the hand that wasn't clutching his huge scythe. His long fingers were tipped with sharp looking claws.

"Did she just call me fuckin' _cute_?" He asked incredulously. Sakura continued to stare at his ears, her viridian eyes gleaming. Hidan shot Kakashi a dubious look, but the ghostly nin simply shrugged one shoulder carelessly, once again reaching for his copy of Icha Icha Spooky Edition.

"I'm not _cute_," Hidan groused, a scowl on his handsome face. "I'm fucking _intimidating_." When Sakura continued to stare dreamily at his ears, he swung his weapon from his shoulder, the curved blade pointed at Sakura as he growled, "Cut that shit out, seriously!"

Snapping out of her dazed stare, Sakura blinked rapidly, giving the white-haired S class an apologetic smile.

"Sorry."

Hidan glared at her for a moment, then slowly brought his weapon back to its' resting position on his shoulder.

"Tch, damn right you are, bitch. Seriously."

Apparently ignoring him, Sakura turned to Kakashi.

"Why does he have a scythe?" She whispered.

Hidan gripped his weapon protectively. "Because this fic is Halloween themed, and my scythe is fuckin' scary."

"I don't know," Kakashi whispered back to the young woman, "he's obviously supposed to be a wolfman. Carrying a scythe doesn't really make sense."

Hidan glared at the twosome, "I can _hear you_, fuckers!"

"And why does _he _get a weapon?" Sakura continued, her eyes narrowing. "That's not fair! I don't get one puny kunai, but he gets a huge scythe? Come on!"

"You get the totem," Kakashi reminded her.

"What?!" Sakura turned to him, her hands on her hips. "That thing is useless! I want a real weapon!"

"You defeated the last S-class ninja with the totem."

The pink-haired nin groaned. "It was a glorified glitter bomb. I want something that can do some real damage!"

"Hey!" Hidan piped up impatiently, his white wolf tail swishing with indignation, "did you two forget I was here?! Seriously! That's $#& 'n rude!"

Sakura and the silvery specter glanced up at Hidan. He glared back at them.

"Er... What did you just say?" Sakura asked hesitantly.

"I _said_," Hidan began through clenched teeth, "that you're &*$#'n rude!"

The three nin stared at each other. Hidan's already pale face blanched even further.

"What the &*#$?" The white-haired wolfman tried, choking as he tried to spit the expletive out.

"&%$*," He tried again, his words garbled. "*&^*. &^%$! & $#!" Hidan began to panic, running in circles.

"Ah! What the *& # is happening?!" he cried, waving his scythe dangerously. Sakura and Kakashi watched him, twin sweatdrops forming at the back of each of their heads.

"*& #!" Hidan wheezed, " #*%! &^%$!" The wolfman turned on the companions, wild-eyed. "What the &*#$ is going on here, seriously?!"

"Uh..." Kakashi and Sakura glanced at each other, then back to Hidan, the ghostly copy nin coughing politely into his hand before continuing. "This fic is rated 'T'." The white-haired man glared at him.

"So?!"

"So... the author isn't allowing you to curse anymore, because then she'd have to raise the rating."

"_What_?!" Hidan seethed, "She can't do that! Cursing is part of who I am! Hasn't she heard of &* #'n characterization?!" He looked up at the moon, shaking his fist at the starry night sky. "You hack! Gimme back my &* #'n dirty mouth, seriously!"

"Hey, maybe his inability to curse is a plot device?" Sakura volunteered. Kakashi smiled fondly at her.

"That was a good try, but this is actually more like contrived situation than a plot device."

"Oh," Sakura sighed glumly. "I thought I was getting the hang of this."

"Aww, you'll get it next time!" Kakashi grinned and tried to pat her on the head – he failed though, because he was a ghost.

"This is goddamn ridiculous!" Hidan whined, turning back to the other two ninjas. "I can't use my favorite word!"

Kakashi shrugged non-committedly, but Sakura's gaze softened at the sight of the wolfman's distress.

"Sorry," She said softly, smiling comfortingly as the pouting, pale-haired man glanced back toward her. He considered her a moment, the Cheshire grin creeping back onto his face.

"Well at least I can still do _this_," he lunged at her, taking the kunoichi by surprise. Sakura shrieked as the S-class grabbed her hips, hauling her against his chest and leaping up onto the roof of a nearby building. He smirked as she struggled against him, his sharp teeth gleaming in the moonlight as he looked down at his prey.

"Finally," He growled throatily, "a little privacy. I've been wanting to get you alone the moment I saw you, seriously."

Sakura shoved against his chest, her cheeks flushing at his words. If only she had her kunai, she'd show this jerk the consequences for laying his hands on her. She glanced surreptitiously up at Hidan through her lashes, wondering if she should go for her totem.

He smirked at her, canines flashing in the moonlight. Sakura swallowed nervously.

"Oh... My... What big teeth you have."

Hidan grinned, leaning in closer, breathing throatily into her ear, "All the better to _eat_ you with." He nuzzled her neck and Sakura was suddenly glad that he was holding her up, because her knees now felt very weak. The feeling of claws at her neck quickly brought her back to her senses however, and she glared at the wolf-man.

"Wait, what do you think you're – Ahhh!" A loud tearing sound was heard and Sakura felt her dress rip away, white fabric fluttering in the chill breeze. She reached up to cover herself, her green eyes flashing indignantly.

"What the _hell_?!" She hissed, glaring at Hidan. He stared incredulously back, his handsome face darkening in frustration.

"What the hell is right, seriously! You were wearing _another_ dress?!"

"What?" Sakura paused, glancing down at herself, surprised to find that she was still wrapped in the tight nurse's outfit. She blinked. "Oh. I... guess so?" Hidan snorted, grabbing her collar again. Sakura's eyes went wide, "No, wait –!" Again, she felt the fabric rip away.

"What is _wrong_ with you?!" She yelped, trying to cover herself.

"Me?!" Hidan growled, "What the hell is wrong with your 'n dress?! It won't come off!" Both she and Hidan looked down, staring in befuddlement at the fabric stuck in Hidan's claws, and the pristine, unmarred dress that still clung to Sakura's every curve.

"That's... definitely odd," Sakura finally admitted.

Kakashi, who had floated lazily after the pair, peeked over the edge of the roof and spoke up.

"This fic is rated 'T', remember?"

Hidan turned to look at the ghostly copy nin, Sakura falling against him as she tried to follow his movements in her six inch heels.

"You mean," Hidan began, his voice strangled, "that she and I can't..."

"Yep." Kakashi replied, flipping the page of his Icha Icha Spooky edition.

"Are you kidding me?" Hidan howled, "I can't &*$#%'n curse, _and _I can only get to first base with this bitch? What's the *&$#'n _point_ then, seriously!"

Sakura's eyes flashed and her knee came swiftly up between the wolfman's legs. Hidan went down with a whimper, collapsing on the rooftop. Kakashi winced, his eyes watering sympathetically as the downed S-class curled up in a fetal position.

"Ouch. I'd call that a solid defeat," he drawled, floating up beside Sakura.

The pink-haired medic nin straightened her dress, her emerald eyes hard as glass as she reached up make sure her hair was still in place.

"And I didn't even need that stupid totem," She said primly, pushing at Hidan's shoulder with the toe of her shoe. The downed S-class rolled onto his back, his purple eyes still slightly dazed.

"Damn," he said wistfully, focusing on Sakura's face, "you're one feisty bitch. I like that."

She cocked a slender eyebrow at him. "You'd better believe it. Now then, you know part of a certain seal. I need you to show it to me."

"Alright, alright..." Hidan slowly got to his feet, eying Sakura up and down once more, groaning. "Damn," he said again, "make sure you come and find me after the epilogue, we'll have some _real _fun then, seriously!" He grinned wolfishly. Sakura gave the S-class a considering look, a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips.

"Can I touch your ears?"

Hidan chuckled, smirking as his gaze drifted down to the petite kunoichi's pert breasts. "You can touch me anywhere you *& #'n want, as long as I get to to do the same!"

Kakashi's eyes narrowed at the exchange and he floated protectively in front of his former pupil.

"Yo. The only place Sakura's going when the story is over is back to Konoha." He paused, staring challengingly at the wolf-man. "With me."

Hidan blinked at him. "What, like together? Seriously?"

"Yup," Kakashi grinned smugly.

"Woah, that's not necessarily true," Sakura interjected. "There are no official couples in this story."

It was Hidan's turn to look smug while the copy-nin shot Sakura a wounded look.

"Oh, come on now, Sakura. I mean, technically, we _are _going home together."

The kunoichi gave her ghostly companion a dubious look. "Yeah, but that doesn't necessarily mean _together _together."

Kakashi grinned, "Maybe, but it also doesn't necessarily mean we won't be _together_ together."

Sakura gave the copy-nin an appraising look, her lips pursed.

"I don't see how it would work," Sakura said finally, her hands on her hips. "You're a ghost."

The specter pouted, "Only for now!"

"Oi," Hidan stepped between the two, his purple eyes narrowed. "I want the hell out of this kiddie fic, okay? So lemme show you the seal already." The pale-haired man turned and sneered at Kakashi, "And don't go getting any ideas, you wispy &*^%, Sakura and I have plans after this fic is over!"

Kakashi glared as Sakura and the wolfman went to the corner of the rooftop, Sakura watching intently as Hidan showed her the second part of the seal. Afterward, the grumpy S-class gave Sakura one last lingering, lascivious stare before shaking his head, picking up his discarded scythe and stomping off into the distance.

"Thank you!" Sakura called cheerfully, waving after him.

"Tch, what the &%$# ever," Hidan groused, glaring balefully as he stormed away. "Don't come lookin' for me again until this fic's rating goes up!"

* * *

Before anyone asks, this fic will remain 'T'! If you want the next chapter, leave me a review! I only plan on continuing this if there's enough interest.


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